You Get What You Tolerate

Welcome back to Mind by Fire — There’s a point in every season of growth where life stops being about motivation and starts being about boundaries. Not the external kind — the internal kind. The kind that determine what you accept, what you carry, and what you allow to shape your days.

The deeper I get into personal growth and leadership, the more truth I see in one simple line

Not because you’re weak.
Not because you don’t care.
But because your brain is wired to choose emotional safety over personal standards.

And if you’ve been feeling stretched, overextended, or quietly frustrated — especially in places where you’re trying to lead — this insight will land exactly where it needs to.

Brain-Based Insight: The Human Science of What We Tolerate

When you tolerate something in your life — a behavior, a pattern, a responsibility that no longer fits — there’s an entire system inside your brain working to keep things “safe,” even when those things drain you.

The amygdala is often first to step in, pushing you to avoid conflict, disappointment, or rejection. It doesn’t care about your standards; it only cares about protection. So you soften, you absorb, you keep the peace — not because you’re passive, but because your brain is signaling that stability is safer than confrontation.

At the same time, the insula tunes into the internal discomfort that comes with raising expectations or setting boundaries. It amplifies the anxiety, guilt, or tension you feel when preparing to address something. For many people — especially leaders — it feels easier to carry that discomfort privately than to risk a moment of external tension. So you tolerate more, even when you don’t want to.

Then the prefrontal cortex (PFC) steps in with logic to justify what’s wearing you down. It offers reasons that feel true in the moment:

“It’s not that bad.”
“I can deal with it.”
“I’ll address it next time.”
“They’re going through a lot.”

These aren’t excuses — they’re your brain’s attempt to maintain emotional equilibrium. The familiar, even when unhealthy, feels easier to predict than the unknown that comes with raising the standard.

Meanwhile, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) senses the internal mismatch — the gap between what you want and what you’re allowing. That knot in your stomach, that quiet irritation, that sense that something is off… that’s the ACC signaling misalignment. It’s not burnout — it’s your brain telling you you’ve outgrown the level you’ve been living at.

And through all of this, the Reticular Activating System (RAS) is scanning your environment, filtering your world through the standards you currently accept. When you tolerate chaos, you notice more chaos. When you tolerate low effort, you attract low effort. When you tolerate being the one who always steps in, you become the one everyone expects to step in.

Your brain organizes your reality around the standards you signal you're willing to live with.

This is the human truth behind the neuroscience:
You don’t get what you want — you get what you tolerate.
Not because you lack discipline or vision, but because your brain is wired to protect your emotional safety first.
Raising your standards isn’t about becoming tougher — it’s about teaching your brain that a higher level of life is the new safe place to be.

Reset Ritual: The Line in the Sand

A simple ritual to recalibrate your tolerances:

1. Name the thing you’ve been tolerating.

Say it plainly. No softening. No justification.

2. Ask yourself: “What fear is keeping me from addressing this?”

Conflict?
Disappointing someone?
Losing connection?
Being misunderstood?

The emotional root is the real barrier.

3. Define the new standard in one clear sentence.

Your brain responds to precision.

Examples:

• “I communicate expectations immediately.”

• “I don’t rush to fix what others can handle.”

• “I address things the first time they appear.”

4. Take one aligned action within 24 hours.

This teaches your brain:
“The new standard is safe.”
That’s where everything shifts.

Reflection: You Become the Person You Protect

If you’ve been tolerating more than you should — in your business, your relationships, or your daily routines — it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign your brain has been working overtime to protect your emotional safety.

But there comes a moment when something shifts.

A moment when the weight of staying the same finally exceeds the weight of changing.
A moment when the discomfort of holding it all in becomes louder than the temporary discomfort of addressing it.

That moment is the doorway — the point where your brain stops fighting you and starts supporting you. Misalignment becomes clarity. Fear becomes fuel. And the thing you’ve been avoiding becomes the very thing that frees you.

This is where new standards are born.
Where tolerances end.
Where your identity steps into who you were meant to become.

Because life doesn’t rise to meet your goals —
it rises to meet your standards.

If this hit home, reply back or forward it to someone who’s ready to raise their standards too. Let’s keep building this community — one aligned decision at a time.

Disclaimer: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.