The Fire Beneath the Calm

Welcome back to Mind by Fire.
Today we’re digging into a subtle trap that shows up for anyone focused on growth — when positivity turns into pressure.

I had an aha moment when I stumbled across the term toxic positivity.
I researched it further and realized I had been experiencing it.

My focus has always been staying positive — protecting my energy, shaping my habits, and becoming the person I’ve worked to be.
But that focus also seemed to invite moments that tested it. Not everyone values calm and discipline the same way — and sometimes that difference shows up as negativity.

I carry myself with intention. I guard my peace.
Yet when negativity crept in at work, even though I kept a straight face and stayed calm, I felt guilty later for letting it affect me.

That’s when I realized what was happening — my mindset was steady, but my emotions were still reacting underneath.
That inner split is what psychologists call emotional incongruence.

Brain-Based Insight: The Hidden Loop of Emotional Incongruence

When you commit to growth, positivity becomes part of your identity.
You carry yourself with intention, guard your energy, and refuse to let negativity pull you off balance.
But sometimes that discipline backfires.

When someone says something that hits wrong, your first instinct is composure — stay calm, don’t react, keep your peace.
Outwardly, you succeed.
But inside, your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) — your body’s stress response — flares up.
Your heart rate rises, your muscles tighten, and a small wave of heat moves through your chest.
The prefrontal cortex, the logical part of your brain, jumps in fast:
“Don’t show it. Don’t let them get to you. Stay positive.”

You override the emotion to protect your progress.
And it works — in the moment.
But afterward, you feel something unexpected: guilt.

That guilt doesn’t come from failure — it comes from care.
You’ve worked hard to become steady and self-controlled, so feeling anything that breaks that image feels like regression.
But it’s not. It’s simply your body doing its job before your mind could reframe the moment.

This is the hidden loop of toxic positivity:

• You equate feeling with weakness.

• You suppress emotion to maintain composure.

• Your body stays in fight-or-flight while your face stays calm.

That mismatch — the body reacting while the mind denies — is emotional incongruence.
And that guilt you feel later isn’t failure — it’s feedback.
A signal that your body reacted before your mind had time to process.
Your SNS fired to protect you, and your mindset stepped in too soon to silence it.

RESET RITUAL: HONEST BREATH

We’re taught to “stay positive,” but growth starts with awareness — not avoidance.
The first step isn’t calm. It’s noticing when calm disappears.

1️⃣ Acknowledge the moment.
When something hits wrong, don’t rush to reframe it.
Just recognize: “This is a negative moment.”
That’s your cue.
Awareness trains the brain’s reticular activating system (RAS) to spot emotional triggers as they arise — before reaction takes over.
The goal isn’t perfection; it’s recognition. Once you can see it, you can steer it.

2️⃣ Pause.
Take one slow breath.
Inhale through the nose for four counts, exhale through the mouth for six.
Drop your shoulders, unclench your jaw.
The sympathetic nervous system starts to downshift the second breath leads the mind.

3️⃣ Name it.
Say quietly to yourself: “That bothered me.” “That was disrespectful.”
Naming the emotion activates the prefrontal cortex, calming the reactive circuits and restoring control.

4️⃣ Question it.
I once heard a simple tool on the Jefferson Fisher Podcast that stuck with me.
He suggests asking, calmly and without sarcasm:

5️⃣ Reframe it.
Once acknowledged and clarified, decide what aligns with who you’re becoming.
That might mean speaking up, stepping away, or simply exhaling the moment.
The power is in the pause — not the reaction.

This isn’t losing control — it’s restoring alignment.

Reflection: The Work Still Stands

When you feel that guilt for letting others affect your mood, but you keep a straight face to not react — remember this:
The guilt you feel comes from the work you’ve put into becoming the person you’ve shaped yourself to be.
Grant yourself permission to process emotions.
That’s not a setback — it’s your brain’s way of protecting you.

Then, when the emotion settles, get back to work.
Because at the end of the day — nobody cares, work harder.
Not out of coldness, but out of ownership.
You’ve built too much to let one moment knock you off course.

Positivity isn’t meant to hide your fire — it’s meant to guide it.
You can be calm and still feel.
Disciplined and still human.

Protecting your peace doesn’t mean pretending something didn’t sting — it means trusting yourself enough to feel it and move through it.
That’s emotional congruence.
That’s how the fire burns steady — not forced, not buried, but clean and true.

Disclaimer: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.